The Adoption Option

For most expectant parents the thought of placing their unborn baby for adoption is almost unthinkable. The thought of going through 9 months of ups and downs, bonding with the moving baby in-utero, the joys and trials of labour, only to place that baby in the arms of another mother is almost too much to bare. Now, bring into the equation that you have been told your unborn baby has Down syndrome.

Unfortunately today, many doctors and geneticists still give a very biased, grim and negative outlook on continuing the pregnancy after such a "diagnosis". With pressure coming from all sides to terminate this pregnancy, the last thing on an expectant mother's mind is adoption. She may think, "if the doctor has told me this is such a terrible thing, who would want to adopt this baby?" If you are in this situation right now, please know, there are many families out there who would love to adopt a baby with Down syndrome - you do have options. Over the last couple of weeks, we have focused on parenting a child with Down syndrome and the option of abortion. This week I want to focus on what adoption looks like today.

Many people's initial reaction to the idea of adoption is often very negative. This partly, I think, is due to misconceptions people have, because of how adoption was handled in the past. Way back, adoptions were "closed", meaning that everything was kept confidential. Often times the birth mother would try to conceal the pregnancy, perhaps even delivering in a different city. As soon as the baby was born, he/she would be whisked away from the mother to avoid any bonding. The baby would be placed with an adoptive family who were often given little, if any, information about the birth mother. The birth mother would not be given any information about the adoptive family and would have no choice in who the adoptive family was. Often, that would be the end of the story. There would be little support available for the birth mother and she would be expected to carry on with life, given no time to grieve her loss.

Thankfully, today, it is a much different picture and we have what are called open-adoptions. Here, numerous supports are set up for the birth mother and there are many people available to encourage her and walk through the process with her. The birth mother is able to take her time, look through profile after profile of adoptive parents until she finds a family that has all the qualities she is looking for. From there, the birth mother is able to meet the adoptive couple and together they can decide how much openness there will be in their relationship. This looks very different for each one. Some birth moms are happy to simply receive regular pictures and letters, others become very involved in the adoptive couple's lives and in some cases even become like part of the family. The most important thing in open-adoptions is honest, open-communication. If taught well, adoptive parents will be very open with their adoptive child about the birth mother. Since everything is out in the open and the birth mother has been a part of the child's life all along, eventually as the child becomes an adult there is a real opportunity for a different kind of relationship, more like a friendship, to develop. I believe adoption is a wonderful option for birth parents who feel they are just not able to provide for, or care for the extra needs a child with Down syndrome will have. Adoption is a purely selfless decision, putting what is best for this new life first. It is a decision that the birth parents can feel proud about.

Of course, it is true that emotionally speaking, adoption is a very difficult option. However, you are going to grieve a loss with whichever option you choose, but at what price? You will grieve the loss of some of the plans or hopes and dreams you had for this child if you decide to parent (although you would be surprised how many of the hopes and dreams are still attainable in a child with Down syndrome), you will grieve the loss of a life with abortion (which also brings a whole slew of other emotional issues to the table), you will grieve the loss of your child through adoption as well, however, unlike abortion, this grief is different. I have come across women who, 15 years after the fact, are still trying to recover emotionally from their abortions. With adoption, however, over time this grief will lessen. If you receive proper counselling and support after placement, over time you will be able to move on with life. Eventually this grief will be turned into a very positive, rewarding feeling of knowing you have given your baby the gift of life. Out of your deep love for this baby, you have placed him/her into a family that loves them dearly and can provide for all their extra needs.

Before taking your doctor's word for it and deciding to terminate, please take some time and find out more. Get a second opinion on whether to continue with the pregnancy from another doctor who may have more experience in this area, educate yourself on the truth of abortion and the pain it can leave you with for the rest of your life. Explore the options of parenting and adoption. Talk to parents of children with Down syndrome, what are some of the joys and trials? Meet with an adoption worker and ask questions. You are at no time obligated to commit or follow through with anything, just meet with them and let them know some of your fears about adoption. This blog is a great place to start, please check out the different links here, but there is so much more great information out there on parenting a child with Down syndrome and adoption, check into it.

In closing, here are a couple of soul-searching questions you need to ask yourself if you are considering terminating your pregnancy:

When does life begin in the womb? By the time you receive a "diagnosis" of Down syndrome, your baby's heart is beating, brain waves can be detected, all the organs/limbs are present, the baby can respond to touch and feel pain, you baby is moving, yawning, sucking.

How will you feel for the rest of your life, each time you see a child with Down syndrome achieving those milestones you thought your baby would never be able to achieve? Or when you see an adorable child with Down syndrome bringing so much joy to their family and others around them. Or how about that guy who works at the grocery store, one of the friendliest, nicest guys you've ever met, who happens to have Down syndrome. Or what about that couple with Down syndrome you see being interviewed on TV, gitty with excitement for their upcoming wedding.

Regardless, of which option you choose, your life is going to change forever. You can't go back now and change anything, your baby has Down syndrome. You can choose to make a decision that you may regret for the rest of your life, you can choose to embrace the joys and trials that raising a child with Down syndrome brings or if you feel you just cannot provide for a baby with special needs, you can choose to give your baby the gift of life and a family that will love them and help them achieve their full potential.

Consider the Risk

Fetal Hand Grasp Photo by Michael Clancy

This photo was taken during a spina bifida corrective procedure. Here is how the photographer Michael Clancy describes the experience:

"During a spina bifida corrective procedure at twenty-one weeks in utero, Samuel thrusts his tiny hand out of the surgical opening of his mother's uterus. As the doctor lifts his hand, Samuel reacts to the touch and squeezes the doctor's finger. As if testing for strength, the doctor shakes the tiny fist. Samuel held firm. At that moment, I took this "Fetal Hand Grasp" photo. As a photojournalist, my job is to tell stories through pictures. The experience of taking this photograph has had a profound effect on me, and I'm proud to share this moment with you." Michael Clancy

Canada is one of the only countries in the world with no laws limiting abortion. Abortions can take place even up to the moment of birth. About 105,000 abortions are performed in Canada every year (Stats Can). Although the majority of abortions are performed in the first trimester, abortions are quite easily accessible up to about 21 weeks which is the same gestation as this baby who is receiving life-saving surgery.

When in a crisis situation our natural tendency is to try and fix the problem as soon as possible. For many women who are facing an unplanned pregnancy or who have received an adverse prenatal diagnosis, terminating the pregnancy is often their initial response. As a result, they rush into the decision to have an abortion out of desperation, without really educating themselves on the risks involved, and end up regretting it. As I heard one post-abortive woman put it: "Abortion does not solve the problem, it only creates new ones... I wish I had known".

In fact, there are many women who wish they had know that this was not actually a clump of tissue, as they were told, but a living baby with brain waves and a beating heart. If you are facing a decision of whether or not to abort, it is important that you are aware that already by week 5 (which is before most women even find out they are pregnant) the foundation of every organ system is established and beginning to develop. Brain waves can be detected and the beating heart can be seen on ultrasound. By week 9 the baby can respond to touch and feel pain, by 11 weeks the developing baby has all the major organ systems and is a distinctly recognizable human being, the baby can yawn and suck (the first 9 months).

It is also important that you know the physical and emotional risks involved with an abortion. Although not all women experience all of these risks, you deserve to know what could potentially happen. Some of the immediate physical complications could include: hemorrhage, puncture or tearing of the womb, infection, cervical lacerations. Some of the long terms physical complications could include: infertility, sterility, future miscarriages, future premature deliveries, future tubal pregnancies, breast cancer, cervical cancer. Some of the emotional effects could include: depression, thoughts of suicide, self-destructive behaviour, isolation, guilt or shame, addictive behaviours, emotional numbness, disturbing dreams, breakdown in relationships, difficulty bonding with present or future children (Physicians for life).

If you have received an adverse prenatal diagnosis, you very likely are facing a lot of pressure to abort. The pressure may be coming from doctors, your spouse/boyfriend, family, friends. This can be a very scary time. But before making the same mistake as many other women have made, please do not rush into having an abortion. Find out the facts first, don't be misled that this is just a clump of tissue and that abortion is a quick, risk-free, fix to the problem. The internet has an endless amount of information on all the risks mentioned here, look into these risks into more detail...find out the truth about abortion. Here is one woman's experience with abortion:

My favourite song is ‘Amazing Grace’…I was 16 the first time I got pregnant, I thought if my Mom thinks its okay to have an abortion, and the Government thinks it okay ,and the doctors think its okay, then it must be…I was dead wrong. I, like many women used abortion as a form of birth control… the doctor told me that it was just a “clump of tissue”, another lie. My babies had a beating heart, vital organs and perfect tiny arms, legs, fingers and toes at 9 weeks! They also told me it was a “safe” procedure…but I got an infection, damaged cervix, and badly scarred uterus! For years I fought depression, guilt and had unresolved grief. God is so wonderful that he granted me another child, SHAWN, a survivor of my womb…and he is the greatest joy of my life…but doctors say that my uterus was so damaged from abortions, that they couldn’t believe I had him! Sadly, we were never able to have any more children. (Silent No More)