The Adoption Option

For most expectant parents the thought of placing their unborn baby for adoption is almost unthinkable. The thought of going through 9 months of ups and downs, bonding with the moving baby in-utero, the joys and trials of labour, only to place that baby in the arms of another mother is almost too much to bare. Now, bring into the equation that you have been told your unborn baby has Down syndrome.

Unfortunately today, many doctors and geneticists still give a very biased, grim and negative outlook on continuing the pregnancy after such a "diagnosis". With pressure coming from all sides to terminate this pregnancy, the last thing on an expectant mother's mind is adoption. She may think, "if the doctor has told me this is such a terrible thing, who would want to adopt this baby?" If you are in this situation right now, please know, there are many families out there who would love to adopt a baby with Down syndrome - you do have options. Over the last couple of weeks, we have focused on parenting a child with Down syndrome and the option of abortion. This week I want to focus on what adoption looks like today.

Many people's initial reaction to the idea of adoption is often very negative. This partly, I think, is due to misconceptions people have, because of how adoption was handled in the past. Way back, adoptions were "closed", meaning that everything was kept confidential. Often times the birth mother would try to conceal the pregnancy, perhaps even delivering in a different city. As soon as the baby was born, he/she would be whisked away from the mother to avoid any bonding. The baby would be placed with an adoptive family who were often given little, if any, information about the birth mother. The birth mother would not be given any information about the adoptive family and would have no choice in who the adoptive family was. Often, that would be the end of the story. There would be little support available for the birth mother and she would be expected to carry on with life, given no time to grieve her loss.

Thankfully, today, it is a much different picture and we have what are called open-adoptions. Here, numerous supports are set up for the birth mother and there are many people available to encourage her and walk through the process with her. The birth mother is able to take her time, look through profile after profile of adoptive parents until she finds a family that has all the qualities she is looking for. From there, the birth mother is able to meet the adoptive couple and together they can decide how much openness there will be in their relationship. This looks very different for each one. Some birth moms are happy to simply receive regular pictures and letters, others become very involved in the adoptive couple's lives and in some cases even become like part of the family. The most important thing in open-adoptions is honest, open-communication. If taught well, adoptive parents will be very open with their adoptive child about the birth mother. Since everything is out in the open and the birth mother has been a part of the child's life all along, eventually as the child becomes an adult there is a real opportunity for a different kind of relationship, more like a friendship, to develop. I believe adoption is a wonderful option for birth parents who feel they are just not able to provide for, or care for the extra needs a child with Down syndrome will have. Adoption is a purely selfless decision, putting what is best for this new life first. It is a decision that the birth parents can feel proud about.

Of course, it is true that emotionally speaking, adoption is a very difficult option. However, you are going to grieve a loss with whichever option you choose, but at what price? You will grieve the loss of some of the plans or hopes and dreams you had for this child if you decide to parent (although you would be surprised how many of the hopes and dreams are still attainable in a child with Down syndrome), you will grieve the loss of a life with abortion (which also brings a whole slew of other emotional issues to the table), you will grieve the loss of your child through adoption as well, however, unlike abortion, this grief is different. I have come across women who, 15 years after the fact, are still trying to recover emotionally from their abortions. With adoption, however, over time this grief will lessen. If you receive proper counselling and support after placement, over time you will be able to move on with life. Eventually this grief will be turned into a very positive, rewarding feeling of knowing you have given your baby the gift of life. Out of your deep love for this baby, you have placed him/her into a family that loves them dearly and can provide for all their extra needs.

Before taking your doctor's word for it and deciding to terminate, please take some time and find out more. Get a second opinion on whether to continue with the pregnancy from another doctor who may have more experience in this area, educate yourself on the truth of abortion and the pain it can leave you with for the rest of your life. Explore the options of parenting and adoption. Talk to parents of children with Down syndrome, what are some of the joys and trials? Meet with an adoption worker and ask questions. You are at no time obligated to commit or follow through with anything, just meet with them and let them know some of your fears about adoption. This blog is a great place to start, please check out the different links here, but there is so much more great information out there on parenting a child with Down syndrome and adoption, check into it.

In closing, here are a couple of soul-searching questions you need to ask yourself if you are considering terminating your pregnancy:

When does life begin in the womb? By the time you receive a "diagnosis" of Down syndrome, your baby's heart is beating, brain waves can be detected, all the organs/limbs are present, the baby can respond to touch and feel pain, you baby is moving, yawning, sucking.

How will you feel for the rest of your life, each time you see a child with Down syndrome achieving those milestones you thought your baby would never be able to achieve? Or when you see an adorable child with Down syndrome bringing so much joy to their family and others around them. Or how about that guy who works at the grocery store, one of the friendliest, nicest guys you've ever met, who happens to have Down syndrome. Or what about that couple with Down syndrome you see being interviewed on TV, gitty with excitement for their upcoming wedding.

Regardless, of which option you choose, your life is going to change forever. You can't go back now and change anything, your baby has Down syndrome. You can choose to make a decision that you may regret for the rest of your life, you can choose to embrace the joys and trials that raising a child with Down syndrome brings or if you feel you just cannot provide for a baby with special needs, you can choose to give your baby the gift of life and a family that will love them and help them achieve their full potential.